Lost In My Mind

For the past three or four days I have been praying with the song Lost In My Mind, by the Head and the Heart. The rhythm, the lyrics and the voices say so much about vision, connection and, well moving forward. We are set-up for hope in the beginning when he sings, "Momma once told me you are already home where you feel love." Isn't that the truth. I think of my friends, family, mentors, sisters in Religious Life, and students and realize it is through their love that I continue to find my home. It is so obvious and yet, don't you know there are days when I am so aware of the gift of this love in my life.

Then, "Oh my brother your wisdom is older than me." This line causes me to reflect on the shoulders of the men and women I stand on. Look back on your ancestral (both genetically and spiritually) and my guess is you will find some of that wisdom in ways that continue to manifest in your own life. Well, at least this is how it works in my world. Sometimes I need to tap into that wisdom and at other times I need to be free to attempt life regardless of what the ancestors would do. Maybe this is convoluted, yet I am talking about living an emancipated life which includes the wisdom of others and the willingness to risk everything for the notion of love.

Finally, "How's that brick layin' coming? How's that engine running? Is that bridge getting built? Are your hands getting fully? Won't you tell me my brother brother? Cause there are stars up above. We can start moving forward." This seems to me an invitation to move with the spirit, knowing that we are not alone, and must build and move if we are going to grow. This requires taking risks, and at times they are the most frightening things we will face if we are discerning. There are so many areas where complacency has taken hold and as frustrated as it gets I realize that it a reality much bigger than my small world. My hope is that we can hold the reflect who we are to one another and encourage each other to let-go of our perceived greatness (which is actually not great at all) and know that there is much more to do. I refer back to a few of posts back, "Are we living our lives radically enough?"

How big is my world?

To me, it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by geography.

George Santayana  

I am sitting with the Santayana quote and resonating with its point. Currently, I am enrolled in a class titled Intercultural Leadership. This class is pulling me in many directions as I read the material and reflect on how I function interculturally. Over the years I have had opportunities to experience people who are different ethnically, religiously and sexually who continue to teach me that the world is so much bigger than what I know. There are so many things I need to learn as I realize how limited my experiences really are and how I cannot even communicate with my religious sisters from Nicaragua due to language and cultural barriers. And, I have had an equivalent to three years of Spanish and am still like a stone. There was a time when I was going to have an immersion experience to learn the language and more about the Nicaraguan experience which unfortunately fell apart. I do want to be more proficient at crossing cultural borders, not for the sake of knowledge but for the sake of the other. The past nine years living in Chicago, then on the Navajo reservation, and the past five in Milwaukee (my birth place) has opened up a greater desire to diversify my life. As I move back to Fond du Lac there will be a shift in what I am exposed to on a daily basis. I imagine that my world could become much smaller  and am conscious that this is not a time to seek safety, rather I am moving to grow and learn and discover what it is that is calling me back to the source of my religious life and the home of CSA. 

A couple of months ago I was knuttering about not teaching, wondering whether I was ready to take the risk of losing my connection with young people when my mom said, "Honey, there are plenty of young people in Fond du Lac. I'm pretty sure you won't run in short supply." The gift of young people in my life is that as a teacher they call me to an authenticity that has never before been demanded of me. I do not know how to explain it. What I do know is that every morning I prepare for school and know that if I am not real the students knew it, and sure enough the days I attempted to be a fake were just plain disastrous. If you want to be exposed and vulnerable try standing before a room of 30 students and act like you have it all together. They will come at you without mercy until you are able to meet them through the condition of your humanity. For me teaching is a practice in rapport building and when I do not trust they can smell it. Well, I will not be teaching high school students next year and am trying my hand at something else. I learned two weeks ago that I will be teaching one undergraduate course (a freshmen seminar) and co-teaching Spirituality and Leadership (with one of my professors from my own undergrad years...double yeah on that). So, I will be with a mixed group of people who will be new to me, and this will likely prevent my world from collapsing on itself. Have a great week and notice how your soul is freed beyond your social location if possible (that's what I will be attempting)!

Funny The Way It Is

Funny the way it is, a song by the Dave Matthews Band, sums-up how I am feeling tonight. I just went for a nice bike ride and am feeling the heat of the day even at this late hour (8:00 p.m.). I had an experience this weekend that required a measure of endurance, along with a splash of tenacity and a whole lot of observing. I journeyed with a friend to a formal meditation retreat, which is referred to as Sesshin in Zen language. Now, my usual retreats (well this year has been like a retreat blitz...but what I consider my usual retreat) consists of 6 - 8 days of silence, scripture, poetry, prayer/meditation, and meeting with a spiritual director daily to discuss the God quest. Before my final vows I made a thirty day silent retreat and it was difficult on many levels, yet even that does not compare to this 2 1/2 day experience of Sesshin. There were elements to the ritual that reminded of my religious life and the things that are meaningful to the spiritual practices of church and community as we chanted, prayed and shared in ritual meals. In August I will go on a shortened silent retreat as I switch over to the winter months for a longer retreat (it appears my new schedule should permit it and there is something I love about the silence in the winter months). The paradox of every retreat I have been on is that it connects me to the reality that something is going on in one place while another thing which could be considered polar opposite is occurring elsewhere, and in all of this we at times find ourselves in the polarities. However, most often we reside somewhere in between: We withdraw from our ordinary experiences to retreat into activities of silence, reflection and sharing that allows us to connect more wholly to the world. The song "Funny The Way It Is" depicts the reality of our existence in a way that I cannot. In the car on the way home my friend talked about opportunities for some in contrast to the devastation of others (although she was not that extreme in her language). While on the bike enjoying the breeze I had an awareness that this is not so for everyone, some people do not even have the opportunity to stand let alone get on a bike and ride. So, I leave you with the lyrics and song as the dance of suffering and joy continues in all of our lives. Oh, one more thing....Thanks for last weeks responses Anonymous and Mary Rose! Okay, now for the video:

What do you think?

 "I have found the paradox, if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

Mother Theresa

Tonight I reflect on this quote knowing that it cannot be understood with the usual mind. I wrote it down after watching an iMovie from a Spring Break Service trip. The healing balm of love enters so many areas of our lives. One of my mentor/friends in CSA always talks about loving people into life and I have become a believer. I have been that broken and had the love of others breathe life back into me through their care. Now, as I get older my hope is that I am able to offer the same to others. What does it mean to love until it hurts? I think it means that their is a cost for love. That for the sake of love I have to be willing to risk it all. This is a great concept until it is a coworker I do not like so much, or a sister that irritates me, or the student resists everything loving is no longer a lofty ordeal. Sometimes it is difficult to love and the cost might be that I have to open my heart to people who are irritants. Sometimes the cost is that what I currently objectify will have to become real and human. Sometimes the hurt is in loss and then being willing to love again. Love is not as easy as I would like it to be and yet today we celebrate Trinity Sunday and that is the greatest model of love I know. Maybe I am not equipped to deal with Mother Theresa's depth tonight. Still, I must reflect on the quote some more as it strikes a chord. What are some of your thoughts on this quote? Please share if so moved.

A blogging history oops!

Okay, it's a holiday weekend and I completely spaced out blogging last night. Whoa, could not believe this happened and was going to write this morning and the day was gone. The week has been intense as we ended the semester at the high school and I began a summer school class. Needless to say I am feeling extremely whiney tonight and just want to retreat. However, there are still grades to be finished and a paper to write so boo to calm.

The week was difficult as I experienced a mix of emotions while taking leave of teaching. It is not easy to honor the both/and reality that I am walking in at this moment. I will so miss the faculty, students and ministry of high school life. The freshness of each day and the moments of complete uncertainty before opening my mouth to the first class of the day. These things are the magical moments that make teaching so rewarding.One of the sisters told me today that if you do not feel the pain of leaving a ministry you were never really there in the first place. Of course she said it more eloquently. Well, I am feeling this pain with a sour mix of joy at the time I have had being with such a great group of people. These years have taught me much. Basically this grieving thing is not my favorite activity...the tears are so close much of the time it is like I just lost my best friend. This has become integral to my daily life and now it is time to let go. This week I need to carve out some time to reflect and maybe that will help. A couple bike rides might just be in store....no, I won't put the video on from last time....I promise.

Pondering from the Bike Path

Remember "Bicycle Race" by Queen...I never liked that song and it is just going through my head like a tornado revving up for the big spin. The last two days I have been able to go for some rides and wow does that have a way of clearing my head. It has been too long and this year my goal is to prep for 100K in August. I rode up this bridge onto the trail and was surprised that I was not out of breath when I got to the top.

Yesterday was another gathering of Sisters and Associates who are interested in dreaming together about our future. This group always connects in a way that is invigorating and when leaving there is much to think about. We have now invited others to join us for an afternoon in July when the community gathers for CSA Days (this is our summer gathering - as it gets closer I will write more about it, just know that this is when we come together from different places). After we met I reflected on the centrality of CSA in my life and began to wonder what things will be like down the road. A friend recently asked the question, "Am I living my Religious Life radically enough?" This resonates with me in a big way.

What does it mean to be radical in the 21st Century? My thought is that we are called to present to society and the world in a way that is different than it was in the 19th and 20th Centuries. It seems that there is such hunger for a spiritual life among people from all different walks of life. We are gifted with a life that not only fosters a strong spiritual life, it is encouraged. I take many retreat opportunities each year. Two silent retreats (an eight day and a three day) and at least one other (this year it will be like four other retreats...I am on a roll). We also have opportunities for communal prayer that is outside of the liturgy and that is another source of replenishing. These are things that I do not see available to many other people. Yet, some of the reading I have done about the New Monasticism indicates there is a shift in this (the book I read is Ancient Faith, New Mission: New Monasticism as Fresh Expression of Church, written by Graham Cray, Ian Mobsby and Aaron Kennedy).  I wonder how I can share the fruits of my life in new ways? My guess is that my desire to study leadership through doctoral work and the interest I have in transformational leadership and community is very much connected to my questions. It also seems that moving to Fond du Lac has everything to do with these questions. Soon I will embark on the next phase and see what it brings...for now let's listen to Queen.

A Bittersweet Week

This week was bittersweet and an emotional roller coaster. I am putting the content of this information in my blog and recognize some people reading have not been informed about my plans for the next months and this might be easier than putting it on my facebook page. Long story, but it all started with a prayer experience and this overwhelming internal shift that caused me to consider moving  Fond du Lac next year. I wish I could be more clear about it, yet that has never been my experience of call. So, I entered discernment, worked it out with CSA (my community) and informed Dominican High School I would not be returning, and this week I announced it to the students. Wow, that was a challenge. Each class I talked with my words were like a string of bumbling thoughts tied together. A difficult experience, yet the students were so very tender. I have only been teaching high school for seven years and the lives of these young people have continually invited me to transformation. They teach me how to love in so many ways that my life with them is indescribable. Listening to the still small voice inside is not as easy as it is to wake-up to the thought of being with the exuberant experience teens each day.

I am not sure what is going to happen when I go to Fond du Lac other than I will be studying full-time, or possibly seek out teaching opportunities. It seems the bottom line in this is that whatever the call is about it relates to presence and community. One student went home and told her Mom that I am leaving and that my community needs me. This made me smile, and was not quite what I meant to say to the class as I talked about the realities of Religious Life and being present to the process of letting-go of the past as we lessen in numbers, as we live out what is being called forth from us into the future. I did mention this experience about being present to what is happening in Fond du Lac so can see her translation. So I embrace what is to come and will continue to work with the Spirit of what this move will be about. I have lived alone for two years and look forward to living with another sister...of course that will be an adjustment for sure. In many ways this feels like an adventure and I welcome the growth opportunities that are ahead, and in contrast, there is trepidation as I leave what I love.

Well, it is the finale for Desperate Housewives tonight and I need to get a view of what happens. Hope you all have great week!